Esquire:Sedaris:Read Moby Dick

When Moby-Dick is turned into a Disney cartoon, I'll raise my voice against the inevitable wisecracking Brooklyn-born seagull who'll refer to the protagonist as "Ishy" and lead the crew in a chorus of "We'll Have a Whale of a Time." I'll decry the McDonald's tie-in and say "I told you so" when infants start choking on the peg legs of the Captain Ahab Happy Meal figurines. I had similar complaints against The Hunchback of Notre Dame; only this time, when pressed, I can say that I've actually read the book.